It can be difficult and confronting to have honest conversations with others, particularly in the workplace.

One of the most important features of a great leader is the ability to pull what is hidden to the surface. This is both in our communication and dealings with others, but also – crucially – in being honest with ourselves. It’s also one of the hardest things to do.

Brené Brown, well-known author, social commentator and research professor, calls it “bringing to light the stuff that’s in the shadows and in the corners”.

I call it “making the invisible, visible”, and it’s something that I see a lot in working with horses, particularly in our leadership training.

🐴 Horses aren’t afraid of the truth!

You see, horses are not scared to show how you make them feel – not with words of course, but with their body language. They respond to our stimulus by turning their heads, swishing their tails and stomping their feet. In the wild, horses communicate as a means to survive in a herd, and even domesticated horses retain this instinct. For them, there is no purpose in hiding anything.

Not the same with humans, though. Our complicated social contracts mean we tend to push down our feelings, particularly in workplace settings, and not prompt other team members to be forthright with theirs either. A recent study found that people often don’t speak up because of “interpersonal risks” and fear of being shunned. Interestingly, the study also looks at the consequences of a workplace where people don’t speak up, which includes harming our wellbeing and therefore contributing to burn out. People get exhausted when they’re not allowed to be their authentic selves.

That’s why working with horses to develop leadership skills is so helpful. They give honest and open feedback, and when a human team is working with them it’s difficult to stop those sentiments that have been bubbling below the surface from breaking free. Suddenly, people are braver about speaking up. They dare to have honest conversations. Leaders gain the courage to move unspoken problems into the open.

So, how can we challenge ourselves to have honest, visible conversations, encourage others to do the same and in the process be the best leader we can?

It can be difficult and confronting to have honest conversations with others, particularly in the workplace. As a leader, being brave and understanding your communication style is one of the most important and ultimately rewarding exercises you can undertake. Facilitating honest talk in your team is a sure way to make the invisible visible and be an amazing leader.

One of the most important features of a great leader is the ability to pull what is hidden to the surface. This is both in our communication and dealings with others, but also – crucially – in being honest with ourselves. It’s also one of the hardest things to do.

Brené Brown, well-known research professor and social commentator, calls it “bringing to light the stuff that’s in the shadows and in the corners”.

I call it “making the invisible, visible”, and it’s something that I see a lot in working with horses, particularly in our leadership training.

You see, horses are not scared to show how you make them feel – not with words of course, but with their body language. This includes turning their heads, swishing their tails and stomping their feet. In the wild, horses communicate as a means to survive in a herd, and even domesticated horses retain this instinct. For them, there is no purpose in hiding anything.

Not the same with humans, though. Our complicated social contracts mean we tend to push down our feelings, particularly in workplace settings, and not prompt other team members to be forthright with theirs either. A recent study found that people often don’t speak up because of “interpersonal risks” and fear of being shunned. Interestingly, the study also looks at the consequences of a workplace where people don’t speak up, which includes harming our wellbeing and therefore contributing to burn out. People get exhausted when they’re not allowed to be their authentic selves.

That’s why working with horses to develop leadership skills is so helpful. They give honest and open feedback, and when a human team is working with them it’s difficult to stop those sentiments that have been bubbling below the surface from breaking free. Suddenly, people are braver about speaking up. They dare to have honest conversations. Leaders gain the courage to move unspoken problems into the open.

So, how can we challenge ourselves to have honest, visible conversations, encourage others to do the same and in the process be the best leader we can?

A full picture of yourself

We always begin the process of making the invisible visible with the difficult task of looking at ourselves. For us, this starts with a psychometric test, MiRo, which helps people understand their communication style and that of their teammates. There are four main types, and people are usually a combination of a couple. They are:

• Energiser – gregarious, creative, and agreeable
• Organiser – interested in wellbeing, stability and helping others
• Analyser – detail oriented and look to understand things rationally
• Driver – innovative, adventurous, rational and assertive

I won’t lie – the MiRo can be a confronting process. And so it should be, because we do not learn about ourselves while staying in our comfort zone. Real change involves being brave.

An assessment like this will show you a lot about yourself that is not apparent from inside your own head. And I guarantee anyone who goes through this process – whether with us or someone else – will be an amazing leader. You cannot hide from an assessment like that, and if you take the challenge, and face yourself honestly, then I guarantee you will be rewarded with leadership success.

*Please note: the individual taking the MiRo assessment, owns the assessment and results may only be shared with the individual’s consent.

Get help having honest conversations

If you feel there’s issues bubbling below the surface in your team, or an invisible problem that you cannot quite put your finger on, then I’d highly recommend getting some help. Sometimes, this outside influence, like our horses for example, is exactly what’s needed to shine light on these invisible problems so they can be solved.

As well as holding a mirror up to your own leadership, the MiRo will also help enable more open conversations with your team. It will help you to:

1. Understand how you communicate

For example, if you’re a driver you tend towards a more assertive communication style. If one of your team is an organiser, they probably like to maintain stability and harmony, so they may be hesitant to raise issues with you.

2. Understand how others communicate, so you can be more comfortable in speaking the truth to them.

For example, an analyser likes to have all the facts, so it it’s worth being prepared for that before embarking on a serious conversation with them.

3. Understand that some of the issues in your team stem from them, not something you did.

An energiser might have lots of great ideas, but own agreement nature could be holding them back from speaking up. In this case, it’s not exactly your leadership that’s causing things to remain invisible, but an amazing leader will find ways to help them.

If you’re interested in learning more about MiRo, please get in touch with me. Comment below or email info@leadingedgelifeskills.com.au. I’d love to have a chat.

Do you want an elephant in the room… or a horse?

We’ve all been in the situation where we’ve had an elephant in the room. In a work environment, it is often because no one has the confidence or motivation to stand up and address a problem. This loss of open communication often results in tension in the workplace, strained team dynamics and poor leadership. So, how can we encourage what I call the ‘horse in the room’ – honesty and awareness?

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

We’ve probably all dealt with this phenomenon in our working lives; where there is a lot to say, but no one has the confidence or motivation to stand up and deal with the problem. This can lead to a lot of tension in the workplace.

The other day, we saw this first-hand when we had a corporate team visit us for team builiding and leadership trainingwith our horses. Almost as soon as the day started, it became clear there was a lot of friction amongst the colleagues. This tension manifested itself in an uncomfortable silence where many things were going unsaid.

When the team were paired with one of our horses, Legs, they ignored him just like they ignored each other. Except, he made it known through his unsettled shuffling and moving that he did not want to be a part of that team. To work with him, they had to face what was not working within their team – he was simply highlighting what was already apparent in the team dynamic. It was only then, when they had to deal with a half-tonne animal who clearly wanted to move away from the group, that unresolved issues emerged. In particular, it became clear that no-one on the team felt they were being listened to. Opening these lines of communication made for a completely different team dynamic and a happier functioning team.

So, the elephant in the room was finally gone – and in its place was a horse.

Why you need a horse in the room

I always tell people horses ‘make the invisible visible’. Horses are the ultimate teacher and with the right guidance can make us aware of our unconscious behaviours and biases, providing immediate and unbiased feedback on our energy, intention, actions and body language.

In other words, the horse is almost the opposite of the elephant in the room; you can’t help but be honest when you are around them.

There probably isn’t a literal horse in your workplace (I’m in the minority by having not just one but many horses in mine!), but there’s a lot we can learn from bringing that element of truth to our professional environment. Think of it as having a virtual horse in the room.

How we can encourage a horse in the room

So, as leaders, how do we foster an environment where we have horse-like honestly rather than elephant-like tension?

Here are a few ideas…

• Work on self-awareness and be mindful of your impact on others. This is essential for any leader. If you’re not aware of your behaviour and how it makes others feel, then it’s likely there will be an elephant in the room – and it will likely stem from you.

• Be compassionate. Being sympathetic to people’s needs and individual circumstances will naturally build an environment in which they will open up and be honest to each other.

• Encourage direct communication (which includes active listening!). There’s no quicker route to hidden friction than a workplace where people don’t feel comfortable telling others the truth. Or, if they try to tell the truth and feel they are not being heard.

• Be clear on your purpose. Having a team which understands and aligns behind a purpose and goals is a great way to ensure everyone feels motivated and hidden unease doesn’t build up below the surface.

I will be speaking more on this topic at Equitana in Melbourne in July. If you’re interested in hearing more, please contact us at info@lepd.com.au

Honest talk: why we avoid being direct? And how to improve your ‘horse talk’

Horses are direct in their communication, letting you know through their response if they’re not happy with how you’re working with them. Humans, not always. Here’s why it’s important to honest and how to improve.

If you’ve ever worked with a horse, you might have had the experience of them walking away from you, swishing their tails or stomping their feet.

These are all ways of them communicating directly with you – telling you what they think, or how they feel about the way you’re working with them. For horses it’s all about feeling safe. If something isn’t comfortable, they will let you know! Immediately. Honestly. Non-judgmentally.

Are humans always this direct in their approach? Not in my experience. Often, we find honest talk difficult. We don’t want to have to tell colleagues we don’t think their approach is working or deal with problems with employees. We worry we will hurt feelings, cause upset or rock the boat. We have learnt to be wary of showing vulnerability and are concerned about what others will think of us.

In fact, I personally have had to learn to push my own discomfort with uncomfortable conversations aside to lead people in my businesses – actually even as a wife and mother. I would prefer to avoid conflict of any sort but that is not fair on anyone including myself.

However, avoiding a difficult issue makes it difficult for the issue to be resolved, and in fact, it often makes it worse.

Seeing a direct approach in action

Once we were hosting a leadership training exercise with Liz, a banking executive, her colleague Sally and our horse, Bart. Liz was determined to make Bart comply with her way of doing things, but he just firmly planted his feet and refused to move.

Eventually, Sally was able to speak up and let her manager know that her leadership style can be a bit too forceful – hence Bart’s reaction. Liz was then able to use this direct feedback to improve her management.

Now, I’m not saying that it was Sally’s fault – direct communication needs to be received as much as it is delivered – but having Bart there, reacting to Liz’s behaviour helped her to raise an issue directly in a way which might have been difficult in the office setting.

It’s also a valuable reminder that as leaders, we not only have to give direct feedback, but create an environment in which others feel safe being direct.

Tips on direct communication

• Honest talk doesn’t mean putting aside subtlety and kindness in the way we communicate. Being direct is not the same as being blunt or cruel.
• It may help to remember that even if someone is hurt in the short term by what you’ve said, it may benefit them in the long term.

• Remember everyone has their own communication style, which means they will receive and process communication in a variety of ways. It’s possible to be direct while still respecting people’s own personalities! 

• Be confident. Direct feedback or communication will generally be better received if it’s delivered with conviction. It may help to plan out why to say beforehand, marking out the key areas so you can be firm and to-the-point

• Be prepared to see something from another’s point of view. Perhaps the behaviour you have issue with is in fact triggered by something you’re doing? For example, you might want to talk to an employee who doesn’t seem motivated, when their direct response back to you is that it’s because they’re not getting enough variety in their work. The direct feedback you may receive in respond to your direct feedback is something you should be prepared for!
• Keep it cool. If you’re angry about something, it may be a good idea to wait before you tell the other person. Talking to someone when you’re angry can come across as aggressive, rather than the kind of clear, constructive communication we’re aiming for. Just don’t put it off for too long!

As this Harvard Business Review article points out, “difficult conversations…are an inevitable part of management.” Accepting this and being prepared help make them an easier and productive event. 

Do you have anything to add?

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