“The irony about learning who you can trust is that you usually only learn who you can’t after you already did”
This quote by Doe Zantamata captures something very real — that trust is often learned through pain, not instruction. I’ve experienced this recently and, while disappointing and hurtful, I’ve made a decision to learn from it and not dwell on it. I’ve always liked that I see the best in people and think that they do the same – but I’ve experienced otherwise. You can’t avoid every disappointment, but you can absolutely learn to recognise early signs that someone’s intentions aren’t genuine. Turning this experience into wisdom is about learning discernment — not building walls, but filters.
Here’s how to turn Zantamata’s quote into a lesson and a mindset for the future:
1. Reframe the lesson
Instead of saying, “I can’t trust people anymore,” tell yourself:
“I will trust more wisely — based on actions, not words.”
Trust should be something people earn over time, not something you hand over immediately. It’s not cynicism — it’s emotional maturity.
2. Watch for these signs someone might be using you for personal gain
Behavioral clues
• They’re overly charming early on. Excessive flattery or instant closeness can be a manipulation tactic to lower your guard.
• They show up when they need something — advice, money, connections, emotional support — but disappear when you need help.
• They avoid accountability. When they hurt or disappoint you, they downplay it, deflect blame, or make you feel guilty for confronting them.
• You feel drained after interactions. Genuine relationships leave you grounded; one-sided ones leave you anxious, used, or confused.
• They’re inconsistent. They say one thing and do another, or their kindness disappears once they have what they wanted.
• They use guilt or pressure. “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “If you really cared, you’d…” or “I tried to ask you…”
3. Strengthen your boundaries
• Pause before saying yes. Ask yourself: “Would they do the same for me?”
• Communicate limits early. If someone reacts poorly to you setting boundaries, that’s a red flag by itself.
• Don’t confuse kindness with obligation. You can be generous without being exploited.
4. Practice “trust in layers”
You don’t need to fully trust someone right away. Share small things first, observe how they handle them, and let trust grow through consistency and care.
5. Reflect, don’t harden
Each time someone betrays your trust, you’re not becoming weaker — you’re becoming wiser. The lesson isn’t “don’t trust,” but “trust better next time.”
The lesson, then, is not to stop trusting — but to trust more wisely. To let actions matter more than promises. To honor the intuition that whispers before it shouts. And to remember that trust, like working with a horse, is not a one-time event — it’s a living, breathing relationship built moment by moment.
Through the eyes of a horse, we learn that trust isn’t something we lose when it’s broken — it’s something we learn to build again, with greater wisdom, gentleness, and truth.
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